DON’T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to “switch tracks”, simply think of another song you like and hum that instead

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say ‘know what I’m sayin’ all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place

DON’T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way

PREVENT BURGLARS stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again

CAR THIEVES Don’t be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat

DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a ‘cry for help’ simply shout ‘Help!’ thus saving money on paracetamol, etc

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea

JEREMY BEADLE When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS don’t worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices

McDONALD’S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they’ve been thrown out of car windows.
And the absolute belter for last

WOMEN Don’t waste energy faking org@sms. Most men couldn’t give a sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you’ve been banged