Gents,

I appreciate that you’re all keen students of world affairs and have the facts at your fingertips but in case any of the finer points have sneaked past you the below should help you get your heads around who’s who:

USA: Man Utd – Utterly Arrogant and motivated by greed. If they suffer the slightest injustice the whole world hears about it. Leader sees himself as bit of a visionary, most see him as bit of a Tyrant.

Al Qaeda: Leeds – Thugs who like to take out opponents behind the play.
Capable
of upsetting just about anyone. Leader is a paranoid nutter. Capable of corrupting to high offices of justice.

UK: Aston Villa – Trying to move forward having been stuck in the past for decades. Have a leader who loves the sound of his own voice, full of rhetoric whilst ducking the important issues.

France: Ars*nal – Perennial bridesmaids. Have a huge armoury but Heavily criticized in the past for misfiring. More likely to bore you to death than to be a real threat to anyone. Leader has a habit of turning a blind eye.

Pakistan: Chelsea – Trying hard to be one of the big boys, but has upset a large percentage of it’s supporter base through its over involvement with foreigners.
Could soon experience a revolt within its own ranks.

The Taliban: Liverpool – Strict disciplinarians where members are measured as much by what they wear and do as who they are. Leadership suffered a bit of a shock recently but clinging to life and always hard to beat at home. Very much a bloke’s team.

India: Sunderland – A sleeping giant, not a contender at the moment but with a huge supporter base. Likes to think it’s opinion is worth plenty, yet is largely ignored by non fans. Local derbies can be a bit fiery.

The Northern Alliance: West Ham – An undisciplined rabble in need of sponsorship dollars.

Israel: Tottenham – Rabid supporters tucked away everywhere and usually only become vocal when they start winning. See themselves as the chosen but in reality suffer from an over inflated sense of self. Local transport can be a bit dodgy.

Palestine: Fulham – A team currently looking for a home, had been on the periphery for many years before the mid 90s. Not regarded as a big contender but has a strong youth policy. Funded by rich Arabs.

Japan: Everton – No attack, last campaign of any note 1942. Big player financially in the 1980s, however struggling a bit these days.

Iraq: Millwall – Serious hard arses who could be on the way back. Opponents prefer to see them out of the Premiership. Most of their neighbours hate them, they know it, and they don’t care.

Russia: – Newcastle – Once a great superpower, recently in decay. Have chosen some real muppets as leaders.

Uzbekistan: Leicester – Stuck in the middle. Has a bit of an ars*hole but light on ammunition.

Germany: Wolves – Tendency to self destruct. A strong history but off the scene of late. Unfortunate uniforms.

Australia: Southampton – Completely harmless. Not a contender. Just in it to make up the numbers. Supporters are loyal but regularly embarrassed.

Egypt: Derby – Had a crack at world dominance and though the remnants are still there they hark back to the glory days. A bit over defensive and vulnerable up the middle.

Please note that no country can be associated with Middlesborough. The closest thing was Lebanon but apparently certain parts of war torn Beirut are bordering on pleasant.

Cyprus : Rangers/Celtic – A well known location of little importance, where the locals either follow the shoe or the gord. Names are well known, but in real terms their armies are totally ineffectual outside their own barracks.